Marriage 101 Blog

The Marriage P.A. System

I can remember my childhood playing on the seesaw or teeter-totter.  It was fun going up and down, but I remember the hardest part of playing on the seesaw was how to make it stop.  In marriage, we often place our marriage on a seesaw using a P.A. game.  'P,' stands for passive.  In a marriage sometimes our actions may be too passive.  If this is a trait of one of the members of the partnership, be careful.  'A,' stands for the opposite, aggressive.  In a marriage sometimes our actions are too aggressive.  If this is a trait of one of the members of the partnership, you should also be careful.  Here are some tips to break the P.A. System in a marriage.

1-     Realize that both, too passive and too aggressive behaviors are not healthy for a marriage.  Just like a see saw, it makes a cycle that makes it difficult to stop.  If you find yourself being too passive, learn to establish appropriate boundaries.  On the other hand if you find yourself too aggressive, teach yourself to appreciate and respect other points of view.

2-     Marriage should not enter into a system of either or/ right or wrong / good or bad.  These rules always give ground for creating distance.  Often if someone is hurt when trying to create these rules, manipulation takes place due to being driven by fear and or dishonesty.  As much as we would like to look at marriage as black or white, it really is about managing the gray areas.

3-     Don't try to make the other person fall off the seesaw.  Don't try to push with all of your might to make the other person go flying off due to a surprise amount of force.  Marriage should not be a power struggle.  Take time and discuss roles of the partnership.  They do not need to be set in stone, but it should be a discussion and not a power struggle.

Although it was hard to do, the only way to stop the seesaw was by communicating with the person on the other end.  This is what a marriage should be like.  You come and go together.

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About the Author:

Gerald Anthony is a PhD Candidate in Counseling and current President of The Faith Hope and Love Foundation. He enjoys languages, culture, and helping others.